Panic off. Instead of relying on rumors, Owner has turned up some reliable sources regarding the financial health of our clients.
That noise you hear is me laughing insanely and beating my head against the wall.
I won’t get fooled again. No matter what the annual salary hit I’ll take, I’ve had enough. In the meantime, cackle cackle whack whack.
I’ve been trying to find the name of a poet whose works are brooding and mystical, a longtime favorite. I can’t think of his name today, so I’ve been searching through poetry sites in the hope he’ll be listed. Instead, who do I find? Naomi.
I knew her when we were in college. We were both poets, we dated the same religion professor, my one victory in this one-sided competition. He found me more compelling. It was small, comfort, though, because she had the heart of the one man whose attention I wanted and needed. He was my English professor who invited me to come to the small university, who sent me a letter when I was a senior in college, encouraging me.
It wasn’t that I wanted to date John or have any kind of romantic relationship with him. I wanted him to value me as a poet and, more importantly, to be my father-figure. I’d already found a substitute mother, but what I needed the most was a man to care in something other than a romantic or sexual context. I needed to believe that I could be special to a man who wouldn’t hurt me, who could love about me the things I liked in myself.
John and I had a relationship, his door was always open to me. He gave me pointers about getting in Phi Beta Kappa. I took an upper division class of his when I was a freshman. I never worked harder in any class; he was dazzled. He was not dazzled by my poetry. We had a conversation once about whether I should pursue that calling. “Not unless you’re willing to be a second class poet,” he told me. It broke my heart. It spelled the end, really, of my creative writing. I would always hear John’s voice saying those words whenever I sat down to work.
John liked her better, he liked her poetry better. I thought of Naomi as a bitter rival in a contest I couldn’t win. We never spoke, even though the campus was very small and I worked for a professor who officed right across the hall from John. Naomi worked with John. She called me once in my sophomore year, requesting a poem for the yearbook. Coincidentally, both of our poems were about tennis. I don’t think she played; I certainly didn’t. I don’t know if she knew about my relationship with Mackenzie or how I found out he had dated her, too. Ours was a complex dance, negotiated without contact.
After I moved here, I ran across her name at various poetry readings. I was still writing and doing readings, even though in my heart of hearts, I had already given up. I gave up all writing, except for business, for over 20 years. When we were on the same bill, I tried to avoid her. Even hearing her name made me angry.
For a time, I thought I was over the Naomi-John thing. I could see her name and be fine with it. After all, I’d given up. But seeing her name on the respected poetry website sparked that sadness again. Why does she have that life? Why did she have John’s admiration and respect in a way I never did? Why do I sit here in Crazy Land, living a life that brings me so little joy or satisfaction?
The answer is obvious: She was given her life and I was given mine. There’s no money to be made in poetry and who knows anyone who actually reads it? I don’t. Nonetheless, seeing Naomi’s name there reminded me of all the things I’m not, all the things I will never be, all the things I never had. Joan Didion has a book called, “Play It As It Lays.” That’s what I’ve done with what I’ve been given.
I’ve never for an instant believed that life is fair. However, right now my life seems very hollow. I’m left with my databases, calling on logic, not creativity. I’m stranded here in Crazy Land, feeling more bereft than ever.
The Perfectionist
Doggedly dedicated to getting the job done, you don’t let silly little distractions get in the way of putting in a full day’s work. And after you come home, chowing down on a little grub and taking a little catnap is all it takes to get you up and at ‘em for round two, whatever that may entail. Your dogma emphasizes the importance of hard work, and you swim laps around your dog-paddling, time-wasting co-workers. Your cleverness leads to you often being entrusted with some pretty important tasks, which you are always more than happy to sink your canines into. You really dig being outdoors and love a bit of exercise, but you draw the line at the ridiculous stuff, choosing a game of beach volleyball over Pilates in the park any day.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”~ Henri Nouwen
This is my Chinese astrological sign. No, I am not vengeful.
Birthday
Tuesday, November 03, 1953
Sign
Snake
Element
Water
Chinese Name
SHE
Lunar Years of the Sign
1917 1929 1941 1953 1965 1977 1989
Description of the Sign Personality
Depth and charisma make the Snake a formidable presence. What you see is not what you get. The Snake’s many interests and insatiable thirst for knowledge result in an increasingly complex persona. Furthermore, with the Snake’s penchant for secrecy, they’re not likely to let us see how much there is to know about them. More than any other sign, the Snake knows how to present itself, when it wants, in the most favorable light. The downside of this is that the Snake is likely to tire of and discard us lesser mortals. An even bigger danger is the Snake believes in revenge; so, don’t cross them. Like the Dragon, the Snake is a karmic sign and likely to experience lots of extreme highs and lows in their lives.
Description of the Sign-Element Personality
More than any other sign the Water Snake has intuitive abilities. You are not only a keen judge of character and observer of humanity, but you tend to just “know” things. You can wow us almost as much with your witty conversation as with your charisma. As a member of the more flexible and easy going variety of the species, you make wonderful companions and partners— if we can win your respect. You are a deep thinker who is articulate and persuasive. You have a philosophical nature and may appear to be wise beyond your years.
Description of Home Life
The secretive nature of the Snake makes their home one of subtle surprise. Your furnishings are usually of the highest quality while leaving detail to be discovered. We have to be careful how we tread through your household as we might unknowingly offend and become subject to your occasionally revengeful nature. Ah, but the ambiance and luxury is well worth the risk.
Hours Ruled by the Sign
9am – 11am
To find out about your own Chinese astrological sign, go to Firepig
In celebration of Halloween (and my upcoming birthday), I’m taking a break from the serious stuff.
One of my favorite fun websites features bunnies re-enacting 30 second renditions of famous films. This month, they’re featuring some re-enactments of films like “Scream,” “The Shining,” “Night of the Living Dead” and others. Go by and visit if you get a chance.
This is what happens when I don’t get enough sleep for about a month.
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” ~ Ben Okri
Better today. I took a nap yesterday and got 6 hours of sleep last night. It’s stopped raining, the sun is shining. Though it’s certainly not as frigid as my photograph would indicate, it feels that cold to me. I think the temperature is somewhere around 45 degrees. Anything under 60 degrees is cold to me.
We had sad news yesterday in Crazy Land. Crazy Employee’s mom died of a heart attack Friday night. My co-worker and her youngest daughter were visiting her mom for the weekend. They’d had dinner together, along with some other family members in town for the Rose Festival weekend. I hate to refer to her as “Crazy Employee” under these circumstances, but that’s the name I always use. She was really close to her mom and I know these are terrible days for her. Please say a prayer or keep a good thought for her and her family.
I wonder if my long-term sleep deprivation is related to the anniversary of my dad’s death. That occurred to me a couple of weeks ago, but we’re inching up to that black day, so I guess I’ll find out soon. This morning I was thinking about the months and months when not a thought passed through my head. The mind was still. The only thing I had to focus on was the most immense pain I’ve ever experienced. An hour could seem like six. I was stuck, waiting for the pain to become more bearable. I had to wait a very, very long time.
I didn’t mean to veer off into sadness and, as a matter of fact, I thought of an entertaining cluster of Crazy Land stories to share. The sunlight shining through my windows reminded me of that time. For the moment, I’m flooded with memories.
It must be time to work on my database. I’ll try to get back to Crazy Land nonsense a little later today when I’m more settled.
Harvard Women’s Health Watch | October 2006
Getting through treatment is only the beginning.
The impact of breast cancer is as individual as the women who survive it. It can be an arduous though temporary challenge or an experience so transformative that it divides existence into two parts — before and after.
Perry Colmore has experienced the disease both ways. When she was 45, she was diagnosed with lobular carcinoma in situ, a noninvasive disease that signals an elevated risk for invasive breast cancer. Given the choice of preventive double mastectomy or simply removing the small tumor, she opted for a lumpectomy. “I breezed right along, assuming I’d be among the 80% who don’t have a recurrence,” she says.
And so she was — for seven years. Then a lump in her other breast turned out to be an invasive cancer that had already reached 12 lymph nodes. She underwent a mastectomy followed by radiation and chemotherapy.
Colmore has been cancer-free for more than a decade, but her health has suffered. Radiation treatments damaged one of her lungs, causing wheezing and breathlessness. She’s weathered bouts of pleurisy and pneumonia. And intensive antibiotic therapy for her lung diseases triggered severe diarrhea, resulting in a 40-pound weight loss.
Colmore’s experience isn’t typical, but it does suggest the range of later effects that can follow in the wake of breast cancer. The good news is that most breast cancer survivors are living long past the five-year survival benchmark of yesteryear. But many also find themselves facing the long-term consequences of the treatments that saved their lives.
As the ranks of cancer survivors have swelled to more than 10 million, their health has attracted increasing attention from scientists and physicians. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) has formed an expert committee to consider the quality of life and care of cancer survivors. The panel’s report, From Cancer Patient to Cancer Survivor: Lost in Transition, published in 2005, acknowledged that cancer care too often ends when patients complete their initial treatments. There may be little communication between the patients’ oncology teams and their primary care doctors. The IOM advises physicians to craft a “survivorship plan” to guide health care in the years following treatment.
Several large cancer hospitals around the country, such as Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, and Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York, have already instituted special programs or clinics for survivor care. At these centers, clinicians specialize in keeping cancer patients healthy and strong, reducing the risk of subsequent disease and, for breast cancer survivors, recognizing and treating the effects of breast cancer therapy.
Schedule of follow-up exams for breast cancer survivors |
|
| Exam | When |
| Physical exam |
|
| Breast self-exam | Monthly |
| Mammogram | Annually |
| Pelvic exam | Annually |
| Source: Guidelines developed by the American Society of Clinical Oncology | |
Cancer survivors are at risk for two kinds of side effects from treatment: Long-term effects, which begin during therapy and persist after it is completed, and late effects, which arise months or even years after treatment has ended.
The most common long-term effects include the following:
Fatigue. About 30% of breast cancer survivors are fatigued for five years or more after successful treatment. Any number of physical factors, including anemia and inflammation resulting from radiation or chemotherapy and loss of muscle mass, can account for fatigue during and after treatment. The psychological toll of treatment can also be exhausting. Though there’s little research on the subject, many women continue to shoulder responsibilities for jobs and managing households during and following their cancer treatment. Who wouldn’t be exhausted?
Weight gain. For reasons that science hasn’t fully explained, women undergoing breast cancer chemotherapy gain an average of five to eight pounds. Moreover, the excess poundage is all fat, rather than a combination of fat and lean tissue.
Nerve damage. Surgery can damage nerves in the treated breast and chest, resulting in numbness or pain. Chemotherapy may affect peripheral nerves, particularly those in the hands or feet.
Late effects can include these:
Lymphedema. Up to 25% of breast cancer survivors experience some degree of arm swelling following the removal of underarm lymph nodes, which is essential for evaluating the extent of the disease. Lymph node excision can damage the lymphatic drainage system, causing fluid to build up in the arm on the affected side. Lymphedema can appear weeks or months after surgery and is exacerbated if the arm is injured or infected.
Menopause discomforts. After breast cancer treatment, many women take tamoxifen, a selective estrogen blocker, for five years to prevent a recurrence. On the positive side, tamoxifen increases bone density and improves cholesterol. But it also produces menopausal symptoms, primarily hot flashes and vaginal dryness.
Osteoporosis. Women who undergo menopause following chemotherapy have a higher rate of bone loss than women who have a natural menopause. Aromatase inhibitors, such as anastrozole (Arimidex), letrozole (Femara), and exemestane (Aromasin), which are frequently a part of breast cancer therapy, block the production of estrogen in fat and other tissues. Treatment with these drugs is associated with a higher risk of fractures than tamoxifen therapy and may also be responsible for joint and muscle pain.
Subsequent cancer. Breast cancer survivors have an increased risk of developing cancer in the other breast. Also, some treatments increase the probability of developing certain other forms of cancer, although the risk is very low. For example, tamoxifen is associated with an increase in endometrial cancer risk, and high-dose cyclophosphamide therapy heightens the risk of acute myeloid leukemia.
Lung damage. Lung tissue can be damaged if radiation to the chest cavity reaches the lung. In about 1% of survivors, it leads to radiation pneumonitis, an inflammatory condition that usually occurs two to three months after treatment and can result in susceptibility to respiratory infection.
Congestive heart failure. Cardiac damage is increasingly rare as chemotherapy doses decline, but women who received high doses of doxorubicin (Adriamycin) may sustain damage to the heart muscle. Such damage can result in fluid buildup in the body and lungs, making it more difficult to breathe and exercise.
The end of treatment is one of the most stressful events in the cancer experience. Often friends and family expect a woman to be fully engaged in life the day she finishes treatment. But while a breast cancer patient may rejoice that radiation and chemotherapy have ended, she typically feels anything but normal. Not only is her body irrevocably changed, she’s also likely to be on uncertain emotional terrain.
“What others usually don’t realize is that the recovery from treatment may take as long as the treatment itself,” says Hester Hill Schnipper, Director of Oncology Social Work at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. Schnipper and other health professionals who work with cancer survivors have observed that the emotional effects of cancer therapy are far less recognized than the physical effects, yet they are just as profound.
Typically, a woman marshals all her psychological defenses to get through treatment. When therapy is over, she can finally let her guard down but then may be flooded with intense and conflicting emotions. The occurrence and intensity of reactions vary from woman to woman, but most experience the following:
Fear and anxiety. For women who have just completed chemotherapy or radiation — or five years of tamoxifen therapy — the end of active cancer treatment can be disconcerting. After months of regular medical care and attention, they often find themselves abruptly severed from the oncology team that’s sustained them during treatment. Equally common, and more distressing, is the specter of recurrence, which can color every aspect of life.
Grief. Breast cancer brings loss — be it as minor as the claim to perfect health or as monumental as the ability to have children. Grieving is a natural response to loss, and it may take months or years to complete.
Erosion of self-image. The physical effects of treatment — loss of a breast, hair loss, weight gain, radiation burns, and surgical scars — are reminders of one’s vulnerability. Breast cancer survivors may feel that they’re less attractive and that their vitality is diminished. The adjustments can be especially hard for young women who are thrown into menopause by chemotherapy.
Changes in intimate relationships. It goes without saying that a woman’s sex life is affected by breast cancer. Illness is a notorious thief of libido. In addition, a survivor’s partner may feel breast cancer’s toll on body and body image as deeply as the survivor herself.
Effects on the family. Breast cancer is a family affair. Family members are likely to want to get the household back to normal after treatment ends, and they may not be patient with the partner or mother who needs more time to recover.
Resources for survivorsAfter Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment, Hester Hill Schnipper, Bantam Books, 2006 LIVESTRONG SurvivorCare Cancer Survivors Network The Wellness Community Breast Cancer: Strategies for Living, a Harvard Medical School Special Health Report, Harvard Health Publications, 2006 Living Through Breast Cancer (from Harvard Medical School) by Dr. Carolyn Kaelin, McGraw-Hill, 2005 The Breast Cancer Survivor’s Fitness Plan (from Harvard Medical School) by Dr. Carolyn Kaelin, McGraw-Hill, 2006 |
Breast cancer is a rough storm, but many women weather it well, buoyed by gratitude for life, hope for the future, and the support of loved ones. Some, like Perry Colmore, use it as the fulcrum for a major life change. When breast cancer returned, Colmore was a newspaper editor. As she experienced the intensity of the disease, she decided that it was a story worth telling. She told it through the experiences of 40 breast cancer survivors in the photo-essay book, Living with Breast Cancer: 39 Women and One Man Speak Candidly about Surviving Breast Cancer (Andover Townsman, 1997).
Perry and her husband also took stock of their life together. Their children were grown, so they traded their suburban home for an apartment in the city and a house on the beach. She quit her job to devote more time to working with breast cancer patients. She now volunteers at a hospital as a companion for women undergoing treatment and leads a cancer support program at her church. “I can’t say that I’m happy I got cancer, but I’m happy with my life,” she says.
If you’re a breast cancer survivor, these steps may help:
Work closely with your primary care doctor. According to Jennifer Potter, M.D., director of the Women’s Health Program at Boston’s Beth Israel Hospital, it’s important to make sure your clinician has your complete cancer history — including surgical reports, radiology records, and drug information. At your first post-treatment visit, you may want to discuss your treatment experience and openly air your fears. If your doctor seems ill at ease with your new status, find one who has experience with cancer survivors.
Join a support group. Breast cancer survivorship may not be a sorority you ever intended to join, but its ranks are legion. It can be therapeutic to talk with someone who’s walked in your shoes. If you’re looking for a specific type of survivor group, for example, single women or mothers of teenagers, there’s a good chance you can find it — if not in your community, then possibly online.
Stabilize your relationships. If cancer has put a strain on your relationships or unearthed problems that took root earlier, consider getting help. A mental health professional can help you develop healthier ways of interacting.
Treat yourself. When you were sick, it was probably comforting to have others take care of you. You may not be a patient any more, but there’s no reason for the nurturing to end. Make a list of things that might give you pleasure — from a vase of fresh flowers to a visit to a day spa — and schedule them into your life.
Invest in the future. This can be something as small as planting an amaryllis bulb to bloom in a few months or as large as launching a new career. Planning for the future is one of the best ways to overcome the fear that it won’t be there.
