Warrior Princess

March 10, 2010

A Little Catching Up To Do

Filed under: It's a Whole New World — ggirl @ 1:05 pm

It’s been so long since I’ve been here regularly that I’ve forgotten how to add a picture.  Must get around to that.

So Crazy Land is over a year away now.  My conversations about work are considerably less interesting than they used to be.  I’m now a worker drone for the State and, despite what everyone thinks, it’s demanding in its own weird way.  My area is particularly hard-pressed right now and I’ve only been in this job for a month.  I’m an HR Specialist, not that means anything to anyone.  I started here as a temp last June and got this permanent gig after an unofficial try-out.

The temp job was demoralizing, depressing and, frankly, could probably have been done by someone with rudimentary intelligence.  I spent every last bit of my time every day either filing, alphabetizing or putting together new hire packets.  Within a month or so, when nothing more demanding appeared on the horizon, I knew it wasn’t going to be a sucessful long-term career move. 

The big question is, does anybody here actually read applications?  I don’t mean to complain too much, because at least I had a job when so many others would have taken it and been truly grateful.  However, neither my temp supervisor or my new, improved permanent supervisor seem to have any inkling that I worked in the private sector and, that at one point, I was responsible for the day-to-day management of a company.  I’m baffled.  But then, having spent years in Crazy Land, this is not a new experience for me.

I spend half of my lunch time meditating and, unfortunately, the time has come for me to sit in a conference room and simply be for 20 minutes.  And I have so much to tell….not the least of which is the great story of how I left my post.  The trouble that rained down on me is still a topic of conversation amongst my co-workers. 

Hang on, there’s more to come.  It’s nice to be back.

March 5, 2010

Whoever You Are, Stop It

Filed under: Assholes — ggirl @ 1:30 pm

I was drawn back to my blog by an email informing me that someone tried to change my password.  Whoever you are, stop it.  What is your problem?  Feel free to leave me a message if you have something to say.

If this is my old friend, Stephanie, I would definitely like to share my thoughts with you, so get back to me if you’re the one.

I’m Back–Even if Temporarily (and hello Tommy)

Filed under: Breast Cancer, Things Can Always Get Worse — ggirl @ 1:26 pm

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means.  What I want and whate I fear.”–Joan Didion

Thanks to my old friend, Tom Turner, I decided to try to post during my lunch hour at my new, improved (if wildly less amusing) job.  I’ve missed posting to my blogs and missed comments from my old friends.  When I don’t have time to write, I lose that sense of myself as an individual, separate from family, friends and work.  So here I am.

The latest drama is that we found a spot in my brain, second mri showed the spot had gotten bigger and brighter.  The day I was supposed to start radiation, we did yet another mir, that didn’t show anything.  Everyone asks if I’m thrilled.  Oddly, I’m not.  My mom believes–and I suspect she’s correct–that I don’t quite believe that I’m out of the woods.  Seems right, anyway.  The fourth mri is scheduled for April.

I contine to develop my close personal relationship with large, intimidating machines.  Encounters with my personal mri machines fill me with dread.  It’s not a question of pain.  It’s the sheer aloneness of the experience.  No one is in the room with me.  Ever.  It’s just me and the machine.  Maybe this is a feeling that no one who hasn’t had lots of experience with medical machines can understand.

I’m never been so much frightened by the prospect of dying as the prospect of another round of aggressive chemotherapy.  I’ve told all my loved ones repeatedly that I don’t think I’m up for any more, no matter the consequences.  When that prospect arose, I had mixed feelings.  Which would be worse, the suffering before dying if I chose not to treat or the suffering of treatment?  Then there’s the issue of putting my family and friends through the pain of watching the suffering of dying and, of course, my eventual absence from their lives.  To whom do I owe the greater responsibility?  Perhaps it’s a question I won’t have to answer just yet.

So there we are, for now.  More about the new job, how the old job ended and whatever else crosses my mind–all coming soon. 

Again, thanks, Tom Turner, for checking in on me.  You’re the best!

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