Warrior Princess

January 10, 2011

Challenge #–well, who’s counting

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 3:37 pm
*Originally writen on November 11, 2010

My little dog – a heartbeat at my feet.  ~Edith Wharton

He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve decided that, as often as possible, I’ll catch up on the blog.  I find I miss this space of complete freedom, the opportunity to be just who I am at this very moment without the fear that people in my life will find their way into my deeply authentic self.
I euthanized Miss Woo on October 1.  It was, as always, incredibly heartbreaking.  However, as a Buddhist, I recognize that ultimately we will all lose everything we love.  Love given is always worth the pain.  “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”  Hard to live with that knowledge, hard to practice it every day, every moment.
Hubby’s out of work again, so I’m in a panic mode when I’m unable to see clearly how panic feels.  Mindfulness brings me back when I’m awake; sleep is another reality I’m as yet unable to moderate.  Last week, there was a job fair in town held by a new hotel.  Over 7,000 people showed up to apply for 300 jobs.  Hubby is looking and, in the meantime, working on some freelance writing that will actually generate some income.
I’m still working at the State.  The irony of that fact doesn’t escape me.  I spent years of my life trying to exit the control of the State (both small and large).  It’s not fabulous; bureaucracy has always been hard for me to tolerate.  Furthermore, benefits continue to be cut and, at this point, I’m really unable to care for the ongoing serious health issues I face.  As long as all I need to do is see a G.P. for all my answers, I’ve got my insurance needs met.  Looking for a new job, but everything in the labor market is volatile and it will be hard to find some certainty of stability.
I’ve had my fill of challenges, thought mine are small compared to those of so many others.  So it goes–one foot in front of another, of another, of another.

Rage Spread Thin

Filed under: Things Can Always Get Worse — ggirl @ 3:08 pm

“Boredom is rage spread thin.” –Paul Tillich

“The monotony of life,” a phrase found somewhere in a Buddhist book years ago, has taken me years to fully come to terms with.  At the time, I was puzzled and, unaccountably, offended by it.  As it turns out, at the beginning of my 57th year, it seems to me that life essentially does come down to rote at some point–fish on Monday, burgers on Tuesday; accept a promotion, decline a promotion; go to work every day; go to sleep at the same time every night; think essentially the same thoughts over and over.  It’s tedious and sometimes an enormous chore to get up each morning, knowing how each day will plod along.  How I will plod along through it.

Every day, I remember to be grateful for the gift of mockingbirds bathing in a sprinkler, for a soulless job that I do not want but that many others would, for the generosity of spirit in others.  Somehow it’s not enough to counteract the ennui that wraps me in a kind of straitjacket.  The monotony of life….

It seems there should be some kind of escape, though I reject the au courant popular concept of a “bucket list.”  Popular culture may have a list, but the idea of a series of special events that one dreams of accomplishing before checking out seems a little pathetic to me.  As if the recognition that I inhabit an endless haze of infinite boredom is somehow intellectually superior, a more courageous and harder look at this dream we inhabit.

Even these words I’ve just written, these thoughts, are old and familiar to me now.  They’re rote concepts, made more exotic by the incisive commentary I offer here.  I define myself by them.  Yes, I see more clearly than others; I’m brutally frank with  myself about the sheer pointlessness of my existence.  How like me to believe it, how like I have always been.

Where to end this?  Ah…the monotony of life.

 

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