Warrior Princess

May 28, 2013

America, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 4:18 pm

arctic wolf front view“If we’re Rome, Wall Street’s our Coliseum,” Paul Farrell, MarketWatch

May 24, 2013

Stuck

Filed under: Things Can Always Get Worse — ggirl @ 4:41 pm

wolf through icy branches“I am  in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top.”  John Keats

I’ve been beating  back depression for a couple of days now, despite the handful of pills I take every day to keep me functional and not suicidal.  Suicide, of course, is not an option.  Ever.  Under any circumstances.  Well, at least until every single person who cares about me is gone.

So here I am, stuck.  I’ve been pushing it away.  I’ve been sitting with it, examining it in every small detail.  I’ve thought of  calling my therapist.

Zen is not working for me today.  I didn’t try sitting with it until today, so yesterday was a complete wash.  At least today I was mindful and curious about this thing we call depression.

Apparently there’s still plenty of time to give it my utmost attention.

May 17, 2013

The Day After My Father’s Birthday

Filed under: Bless the Beasts — ggirl @ 5:25 pm

gray wolf lounging“They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods.”  Edith Wharton

The day after my father’s birthday, I came upon happiness.  I worked on my Spanish lesson, walked the dogs and did some yoga.  I listened to music while I watered the garden.

I did not think about living in State purgatory, nor did I think about tomorrow.  I did not clean my house.

Perfect day.

May 16, 2013

Standing at the Threshold

captive gray wolf portraitChildhood is frequently a solemn business for those inside it.”  George Will

I have a new therapist who believes that everything from the past should be placed on a shelf and simply regarded.  “Just look at your father and say, ‘hmmm…’,” she said in response to my comment that my father ruined my life.  Hmm….

I get it.  I’m responsible for my own life.  I’m a twenty-first century kind of person who takes ownership of the choices I’ve made.  If I’m happy with the person I now am (and yes, generally speaking, I am), then the past was a gift that helped me to arrive at this moment.

However.  My father most certainly ruined my life.  From the time I was 11 until I was 13, I had no friends. From the time I was 11 until I was in my late twenties, no one ever came to visit me in my parents’ house.  I knew there would be too much explaining that would have to be done and, ultimately, it would just drive away those who were kind enough and brave enough to call me their friend.

I spent my teenage years into my twenties carefully watching, trying to mimic the behavior of people who seemed to move with ease through the world.  I internalized those observed words and gestures, the courtesies and the rules by which people outside my family lived.  I became a dazzling impostor.

But I still had to live in my parents’ world.  Every night when I entered the front door, as a child and a teenager.  I entered alone, without protection.  No matter how brilliantly I’d performed at school, no matter whether there were moments with a young man that made me forget that inevitability.  I was alone.  That door always awaited me.

When Ann, my new therapist, tells me that my deep  solitude is merely biting off my nose to spite my face, she fails to see that my life as always been spent alone.  It’s the one thing I was never able to learn.  My life with my parents was, indeed, the pathway to this moment.  But I live this moment and all of the others that came before…alone.

My life has been dedicated to overcoming my past.  That defining effort has robbed me of so many possibilities.  Ann exists in a different universe where all choices are possible.  I’m eternally standing at the threshold of that door, gathering courage to walk in.

 

May 10, 2013

Government Mule

Filed under: Government Mule — ggirl @ 1:18 pm

??????????????????????????????????????“Bureaucracy is the death of all sound work.”   ~Albert Einstein

I’ve been held hostage in the State bureaucracy for the past couple of years and was just liberated two months ago.  I would have kept you posted on all of the hilarity, but to be honest, the job sucked the life right out of me.

I’ve worked in the private sector and in non-profit, both of which had some distinct down sides.  I was completely unprepared for the requirement that I be dead from the neck up.  My day was filled with shuffling papers, putting k’s in circles on the papers and writing my initials numerous times on every single page I “processed.”

I spent a year working for my very own Mussolini, who prohibited any talk between co-workers in my unit.  I think that’s when the end began.  I fanned the flames of my own ennui, my own apathy.  It was an icy bonfire.

Frankly, even writing about the experience bores me.  There may be more to say about it, but not today.

 

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