Warrior Princess

February 15, 2014

Enough is (Finally) Enough

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 9:00 pm

Image“Oh God, not another fucking beautiful day.” -James Fox

For a couple of months I sat on my sofa, watching Dr. Phil and Frasier, playing computer games and was generally (but clinically) depressed,  I constantly had obsessive thoughts looping through my head.  I could tell that things could only go downhill from there and that I’d better get myself in hand as quickly as possible.

So I did, I think.  I volunteered to work with a literacy organization and to coach a group of second-graders.  I appear to be firmly back in the world. No more obsessing, no more Dr. Phil/Frasier, no more computer games.  But sometimes I miss Dr. Phil.  So far, so good, though.

When I think of being a Government Mule, my blood pressure doesn’t precipitously rise to stroke level.  I never have been able to write about that experience in the same way I did in Crazy Land.  Somehow they never seemed all that funny to me.  Irritating?  Yes.  Tedious? Of course.  Not particularly bright? Bingo.  Dangerously triggering?  Okay, right.

I’ve got yoga going twice a week and treadmill the other three.  I’m reading and here I am typing.  It’s a brand-new me.  (Who still misses Frasier a little bit, too.)

February 5, 2014

The Late Afternoon of my Life

gray wolf yawning“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.”  –Robert  Frost

I turned 60 several months ago.  I’m not one of those upbeat, chirpy kind of seniors, nor am I desperate to hold onto youth.  I’n not depressed.  (Well, okay, I might be depressed but I’ve always been depressed.  You might even say it’s my metier.)  It’s simply a corner I’ve turned, both personally and culturally.

It’s a realignment of sorts:  who am I now?  how shall I move forward from here?  Though death  walks beside us at all times, I can now estimate the days I have left. It’s a fact, neither good nor bad.  When I think of it, I  hope I don’t die before my mother.  For quite a while I’ve been selecting music I’d like to have played at my memorial (assuming I have one).  I suppose now is the time to begin work on the things I hope will be said of me and my life.  It’s a pretty tall order, so I’d better get to work on that asap.

In the meantime, though, I’m taking an inventory of things that are now completely out of my reach, those that may be possible, those that are unlikely and those that are lost to me forever.  That list is for another day.  Right now, I’m contemplating a persona.  I’ve worn them my entire life. (We all do; I’m just very aware of mine.)   Sometimes I choose one that helps me communicate better with a group of people.  For quite a long time, I’ve worn  the face of someone who lived a normal life.

Right now, I see a couple of options.  I can be one of those hip elderly women you see sometimes who are dressed in a low-key avant garde fashion.  There are also those who continue to get up every day and put on make up and slightly sexy (though certainly appropriate) clothing.  Of course, rounding a psychological corner is far more than whether I wear jeans or a pencil skirt.

I always think my way through major life shifts.  I became a new person when I had Stage 3 breast cancer.  I arose into a new self when my father killed himself.  Generally, it’s trauma and tragedy that have reshaped me into radically different people.  Maybe I should just wait for the next tragedy or trauma to get up and greet me one day.

I talk to Hubby and my mom about this dilemma from time to time.  My mother suggested that I just be myself.  The question is, which “myself” would that be?

 

February 4, 2014

Stephen Hawkins Never Worked for My State Government

Filed under: Office Hell — ggirl @ 9:01 pm

wolf portrait“The government solution to a problem is usually as bad ver as the problem” — Milton Friedman

I read an article in Scientific American regarding Stephen Hawkins retraction (or redefinition) of black holes.  Instead of an “event horizon” (I love that phrase), the correct understanding is an “apparent horizon.”  If you have an interest in space, please check out the article.

Nonetheless, I believe Mr. Hawkins would embrace the concept of black holes (as we used to think of them) had he ever been consigned to a job with the State.  There are black holes.  The minute one finds oneself in the event horizon, s/he can expect to be shrunken into a mere molecule of oneself.  It’s bleak, folks.

In my current job search, everyone involved simply can not clear the “State Option” from their minds.  I have explained to them time and time again that I should never ever ever work for the State again.  A psychiatric hospital couldn’t be far behind.

I’m spending my time more profitably.  I read serious/not serious literature.  I exercise an hour a day 5 days a week.  I volunteer for two literacy n0n-profits.  I attempt to keep up with my journal–my blog.  I may be coming alive again, the molecules spinning together again, becoming whole.

Still pondering the slide into my final phase of life.  More to come….

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