Warrior Princess

March 10, 2014

No Matter What

Filed under: Breast Cancer, Suicide — ggirl @ 3:07 pm

wolf footprintToday there is no quote because I can’t categorize the day or my thoughts.  I don’t know why, but that seems to be a scary scenario.

I’m (allegedly and sporadically) reading two books at the moment:   Pierro’s Light, a nonfiction book about art/religion/science and a Mark Helprin novel, A Soldier of the Great War.  I have the day off from my volunteer job and, instead of making progress on one of those literary fronts, I’ve spent the whole morning reading long articles on the web.  Los Angeles Review of Books and Longreads.  My inbox is filled with Salon and Daily Beast, among the hundreds of political, knitting, cooking and employment emails.  I dealt with the immediate political action requests and put the rest off until I’m feeling more Salon-ish or Beast-y.  I immediately trashed all employment emails.

One of my sidetrips was an essay about Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  On my way to the grocery store to pick up some chicken for dinner, I mulled over my own fear of heroin when I was younger. It seemed like a drug that might call my name a little too insistently; I carried both a lot of pain and a compelling need to unload some of it for a little while.  I knew any unloading was merely temporary.  Pain had been a close and dangerous friend my entire young life.  Dangerous because of the suicide solution or, maybe, the heroin solution.  Many of my favorite and most esteemed writers had discovered the heroin solution, making it an almost romantic choice.

My musings today, to the soundtrack of Chris Whitley’s “Din of Ecstasy” (Whitley’s musical ode to heroin addiction was such an apt selection) reminded me of why heroin and I could never be bosom buddies.  When I had my reconstruction surgery (and the other surgeries that preceded it) I was provided with morphine to dull the pain.  Turns out the pain never left me.  My head resided in Houston and the body was in some other state.  I was aware of both…they were just a little disconnected.  I don’t need to disconnect a little from the pain of my inner life.  I need for it to be a permanent solution.  So heroin doesn’t call my name anymore.

This is what I believe:  Pain is inescapable.  Make friends with it, watch a movie with it, invite it to come to work with you.  It won’t ever leave you.  Not with morphine.  Not with heroin.  Nothing we can physically lay our hands on can provide a buffer.

I don’t just believe, but know as my own absolute truth that

I do not give up

I do not give in

No matter what

Here’s the quote:  “All the suffering, stress and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for,” –Jon Kabat-Zinn

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