Warrior Princess

November 7, 2014

Okay. That’s Enough. Stop It America.

Filed under: It's a Whole New World — Tags: , , — ggirl @ 8:59 pm

another wolf sleeping in snowNo quote today.  So let’s just get to the point.  Following is my current list (see November 5th post, “Lists”) of words I never want to hear again.

Pop (as in “Make Your Dinner Pop”)

Iconic

Closure (a perennial favorite)

Luckily, I’m unable to think of any more.  But they’re out there.

America, get a vocabulary.  You know who you are.  Please google “thesaurus.”

November 6, 2014

Accountable To No One

Filed under: Death, Family, Marriage — Tags: , — ggirl @ 7:06 pm

wolf front view

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” ~ Michel de Montaigne

Several days ago, one of my beloved dogs pulled me down on my back into a fairly busy street.  (Luckily, I wasn’t run over.)  People have warned me–my mother, my husband, my (former) therapist.  “It’ll be okay,” I told them.

I’ll be okay.  Don’t worry–It’ll be fine.  I’m sometimes foolishly fearless.  I’m relentlessly independent.  The fall caused me to think carefully about my relationship to the people who believe they have a claim on my existence.  It’s always been my position that those who call me friend have no right to demand anything from me.

I set the parameters of those relationships.  I will contact you when I wish.  I will allow you access to my private thoughts sparingly.  If you contact me, I’ll be pleased to hear from you but I will probably decline any invitations to get together…unless I feel like it.  None of this means I don’t care.  It simply means that I’m not accountable to you.  If you’re unable to live with those parameters, I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I won’t attempt to talk you out of it and I certainly will not change my behavior.  So, ciao, baby.

But back to the fall.  There are some creatures I allow to hold me accountable.  My mother, my husband, my stepson, all of the animals I love.  I owe all of them a commitment to staying alive.  And yet.  I continue to hang on to my fearlessness.  I trust in my ability to handle any kind of physical peril.  I never intentionally place myself in danger.  I pay close attention to where I am and what’s going on around me.  I’m strong (tho0ugh small, I guess) and I make sure I never, ever walk like a potential victim.  I try to communicate through body language that I am a force to be reckoned with. Pretty good, right?  I’ve always thought so.

Well, maybe not.  Maybe fearlessness isn’t appropriate for 61.  Maybe everything won’t be fine and I’ll find myself lying in the middle of a street with cars bearing down on me. I’m willing to re-think my accountability to family and animals.  Friends will still have to fend for themselves.

November 5, 2014

Lists

“We like lists because we don’t want to die.”  ~ Umberto Eco

I keep lists.  They’re not formal and they’re not written down, but they’re available any time I need them.  I only need them when I’ve another list item to add.  My current lists include

 

Books I’ve read or should read.

New and exciting interests I should pursue.

People who’ve committed suicide.

People who have family and friends who’ve committed suicide.

Good ways to die.

These days the Good Ways To Die list has been getting the most attention.  Whenever I learn of someone who’s died without advance warning or suffering, I pencil it into the list in my brain.  Dying in my sleep (like one of Hubby’s friends).  Losing consciousness in an airplane which has lost cabin pressure. These are the latest, but there are definitely more.

As far back as my twenties, I recognized list-making is frequently a form of magical thinking.  I had a friend who shared with me the types of wrinkles she found tolerable and those she didn’t want.  It was almost as if, by giving voice to these preferences, they became incantations. If we say it, then it must be under our control.  Of course her incantation was futile.  Time wins.

No need to address my first two; they’re fun lists I may feel some guilt about not making greater progress with, but they evoke far less emotion than the others.  Lately the Good Ways To Die schedule has seen a lot of action.  No need to enumerate them here.

I don’t actually not want to die. I’d just prefer to control the how of it.  I’m certain Death is highly amused.  that’s okay.  I’m keeping the list anyway.

 

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