Warrior Princess

August 9, 2016

Grunt Boy

Filed under: Assholes, Uncategorized, yoga — ggirl @ 4:06 pm

wolf eyes“When you catch yourself slipping into a pool of negativity, notice how it derives from nothing other than resistance to the current situation.”
Donna Quesada, Buddha in the Classroom: Zen Wisdom to Inspire Teachers

After yoga class today, I found myself walking down the stairs behind Grunt Boy.  I slowed down as we approached the door, desperately looking for a way to avoid hitting the door at the same time.  Oh fuck there’s no way to avoid it.

So, of course, here it comes.  “How do you like our new yoga teacher?”

Oh okay.  Goddamnit.  Fine.  “I really like her.”  I kept my voice absolutely cold.  Here comes the Southern politeness training.  “How about you?”  Any idiot could see I had absolutely no interest whatsoever in his thoughts on this subject or any other.

Fortunately, we had reached the end of the sidewalk.  I veered off in a direction that would never get me to my car, but would certainly get me away from Grunt Boy.  “Have a great day,” In my famous friendly-impersonal tone of voice.  I waved.

Grunt Boy made some disappointed response.  I guess he thought we were going to stand around in 102 degree heat and talk about down dog or something.

I’m going to have to face the face that I’m a long way from yogi and a very long way from Buddhist.  I have some new yoga classes in a new venue this week.  If the universe had any sense, this kind of thing would never happen to begin with.

 

 

January 19, 2016

Dazzling Universe

Filed under: Bless the Beasts, Faith and Spirituality, Uncategorized — ggirl @ 12:52 pm

howing wolf“An animal’s eyes have the power to speak a great language.” ~Martin Buber  

It turns out that not only animals possess verifiable intelligence.  Dragonflies have exhibited some level of what we would define as intelligence as do octopuses.  Recall that octopuses are mollusks, like clams.  And yet they learn quickly in their native habitat and in laboratory settings.  They can also, in the correct circumstances, display both affection and dislike for humans.  This is not the case with fellow octopuses.  Interaction between them will generally end in death for one of them.

Intelligence and compassion are everywhere.  Whenever I learn about another unexpected instance, I feel my own heart expand to embrace this certainty.  There is, without a doubt, also sadness.  At the moment in history, we humans, as a species, only value that which increases our own profit.  If there’s money involved, we will thoughtlessly, ruthlessly destroy it.  Not so for everyone, of course.  We are also loving, thoughtful and emotionally generous.

Despite sadness, something inside of me is exultant whenever I learn there is intelligent consciousness everywhere.  Even in a mollusk.

 

June 24, 2015

Trajectory

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 12:10 pm

The days are long and treacherous, interrupted from time to time with thoughts of “the trajectory of my life.”  I even mentioned it to my psychiatrist recently.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  And, really, neither do I.

close up of wolf face“Life calls the tune, we dance.” ~ John Galsworthy

The word “trajectory” implies a pattern, an arc, a rising and falling.  My life has contained a slight uptick in events.  From horrific to extremely unpleasant, though viewed as a victory over fate.  Indeed, I’ve triumphed, or escaped the dark hand of fate risen from genetic potentialities and the hard glaze of barren sustenance in my early years.

But mainly it’s a flat line.  I spend my death-directed days and hours exactly as it should be.  It’s all darkness and, these days, despair.  I have found no deliverance.  How could I be surprised?

June 23, 2015

List: Things I was supposed to do today

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 10:39 pm

gray wolf one“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.” ~Thomas Edison

Things I was supposed to do

  1. Go to my yoga class
  2. Unclog the kitchen sink
  3. Clean the bathtub
  4. Mop the bathroom floor
  5. Continue to work on the cart in the breakfast room
  6. Vacuum
  7. Cook dinner

Things I actually accomplished:

  1. Yoga class
  2. Bathroom – check
  3. Vacuum – yes
  4. Dinner – done
  5. Sat on the sofa for three or four hours
  6. Watched a documentary and a half on Snagfilms.com
  7. Was annoyed about the fact that one of the documentaries only played half way through

Not a successful day.

January 6, 2015

Beloved Friend

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 5:24 pm

sad wolf eyrs“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” ~ Seneca

I opened the email and there you were–my beautiful friend, so luminous.  After all these years I still miss you.  If you can hear me, please know how lonely I am without you.  I’m heartbroken.

November 7, 2014

Okay. That’s Enough. Stop It America.

Filed under: It's a Whole New World — Tags: , , — ggirl @ 8:59 pm

another wolf sleeping in snowNo quote today.  So let’s just get to the point.  Following is my current list (see November 5th post, “Lists”) of words I never want to hear again.

Pop (as in “Make Your Dinner Pop”)

Iconic

Closure (a perennial favorite)

Luckily, I’m unable to think of any more.  But they’re out there.

America, get a vocabulary.  You know who you are.  Please google “thesaurus.”

February 15, 2014

Enough is (Finally) Enough

Filed under: Uncategorized — ggirl @ 9:00 pm

Image“Oh God, not another fucking beautiful day.” -James Fox

For a couple of months I sat on my sofa, watching Dr. Phil and Frasier, playing computer games and was generally (but clinically) depressed,  I constantly had obsessive thoughts looping through my head.  I could tell that things could only go downhill from there and that I’d better get myself in hand as quickly as possible.

So I did, I think.  I volunteered to work with a literacy organization and to coach a group of second-graders.  I appear to be firmly back in the world. No more obsessing, no more Dr. Phil/Frasier, no more computer games.  But sometimes I miss Dr. Phil.  So far, so good, though.

When I think of being a Government Mule, my blood pressure doesn’t precipitously rise to stroke level.  I never have been able to write about that experience in the same way I did in Crazy Land.  Somehow they never seemed all that funny to me.  Irritating?  Yes.  Tedious? Of course.  Not particularly bright? Bingo.  Dangerously triggering?  Okay, right.

I’ve got yoga going twice a week and treadmill the other three.  I’m reading and here I am typing.  It’s a brand-new me.  (Who still misses Frasier a little bit, too.)

February 5, 2014

The Late Afternoon of my Life

gray wolf yawning“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.”  –Robert  Frost

I turned 60 several months ago.  I’m not one of those upbeat, chirpy kind of seniors, nor am I desperate to hold onto youth.  I’n not depressed.  (Well, okay, I might be depressed but I’ve always been depressed.  You might even say it’s my metier.)  It’s simply a corner I’ve turned, both personally and culturally.

It’s a realignment of sorts:  who am I now?  how shall I move forward from here?  Though death  walks beside us at all times, I can now estimate the days I have left. It’s a fact, neither good nor bad.  When I think of it, I  hope I don’t die before my mother.  For quite a while I’ve been selecting music I’d like to have played at my memorial (assuming I have one).  I suppose now is the time to begin work on the things I hope will be said of me and my life.  It’s a pretty tall order, so I’d better get to work on that asap.

In the meantime, though, I’m taking an inventory of things that are now completely out of my reach, those that may be possible, those that are unlikely and those that are lost to me forever.  That list is for another day.  Right now, I’m contemplating a persona.  I’ve worn them my entire life. (We all do; I’m just very aware of mine.)   Sometimes I choose one that helps me communicate better with a group of people.  For quite a long time, I’ve worn  the face of someone who lived a normal life.

Right now, I see a couple of options.  I can be one of those hip elderly women you see sometimes who are dressed in a low-key avant garde fashion.  There are also those who continue to get up every day and put on make up and slightly sexy (though certainly appropriate) clothing.  Of course, rounding a psychological corner is far more than whether I wear jeans or a pencil skirt.

I always think my way through major life shifts.  I became a new person when I had Stage 3 breast cancer.  I arose into a new self when my father killed himself.  Generally, it’s trauma and tragedy that have reshaped me into radically different people.  Maybe I should just wait for the next tragedy or trauma to get up and greet me one day.

I talk to Hubby and my mom about this dilemma from time to time.  My mother suggested that I just be myself.  The question is, which “myself” would that be?

 

January 14, 2014

Tuesday, 8:00 a.m.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — ggirl @ 11:32 am

???????????????????????????????????????“As soon as we notice that certain types of events “like” to cluster together at certain times, we begin to understand the attitude of the Chinese, whose theories of medicine, philosophy, and even building are based on a “science” of meaningful coincidences. The classical Chinese texts did not ask what causes what, but rather what “likes” to occur with what.”  – M.L. Franz

I caught a second or two of Dr. Phil, lecturing a couple of couples about infidelity.  The thing that always interests me the most about “real-life” television cheaters is how often the cheated-on and cheated-with resemble each other.  I wonder if it escapes the attention of the married half that his or her choice of sexual playmate looks remarkably similar to the cuckolded spouse.

There’s also the issue of attractiveness.  So often, I wonder why anyone would risk losing spouse, children and self-respect (assuming there’s some passing familiarity with that concept) to have (probably quick and unappetizing) sex with such homely lovers. (I’m not sure that “lover” isn’t a gross overstatement.)  Generally speaking, they both tend to be more than a little in need of sprucing up.

I don’t know.  If you’ve seen one philandering spouse, you’ve pretty much seen all of them.  I moved on to a Times article on the web about the difference between literary sex scenes written by “old” male writers and “young-ish” male writers.  

The commentary wasn’t all that compelling, really.  Having hit the second paragraph, I began mining for names of writers whose work I haven’t read yet.  It’s so hard to keep up, you know, on the blizzard of young, fresh, important writers published every year.

I spent most of a summer reading David Foster Wallace’s novel he failed to finish before welcoming his wife home with the vision of himself hanging from the end of a noose.  Apparently, everyone is reading DFW or, at the very least, talking about his suicide. (Count me in!)

Given that investment of time and energy, how could I ever hope to keep up?

I have a notebook I carry around with me containing page after page of writers I must get around to and topics I have to pursue.  It’s also filled with names of doctors, appointment times and other effluvia, but that’s another post altogether.

I love the synchronicity of Phil and novelists.  It just goes to show that at eight o’clock on any given morning, there’s some kind of cosmic flow to my life.  Sex with Phil, sex with Phillip Roth.  It’s almost too delicious to be true.

 

 

January 8, 2014

Remembering My Father

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — ggirl @ 11:26 am

Image

“More people in the United States now commit suicide than die in car accidents—about one every 14 minutes or so.” = Linda Vaccariello, Cincinnati Magazine.

That’s right.  I’m not over it yet.

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